Has it really almost been a year since I last posted? Unbelievable...

Well, gosh. Kinda a lot has happened over the past year. Lemme see. I got recruited out of Valassis in what might have been the worst mistake of the year...

I got a call from a recruiter while sitting in my comfy cube one morning. His name is Frank, if I remember correctly. He proceeded to tell me of a great opportunity with a company in Detroit, called American Mailers. It would be a step into management and a big bump in pay. Well, being somewhat disenchanted with Valassis, I went for an interview and should have realized what a hole the place was before I even walked in. The building is run down, and in a very not nice area of Detroit, amidst burnt out and grafitti-covered buildings. Druggies and prostitutes are not an uncommon sight.

Despite a horrid feeling I had about the place, I decided to go with the dollar signs. Big mistake. Almost immediately walkingthrough the door I was declared ineffective by the other management staff. There was no welcoming committee, no happy 'hello!' from a soul outside my new team. For the next three months everything productive I try to implement is met by angry emails and nonsupport from even my new boss. I quickly lose interest in doing anything for the place... And I spend the final month of my employment there using their Internet to surf Career Builder.

In the mean time, my girlfriend of almost a year decides she wants to relocate to Virginia Beach, VA. accepting a position with Lillian Vernon, a catalog company. The stars in her eyes over a company hocking value-priced goods are far too bright to be extinguished by the blanket of reasonability. And I, perhaps in bonehead move #2 of the year, decide I should look in that area for my new job as well.

I should point out that the girlfriend never asked me to join her. In fact it was pretty plain she did not want me there. I didn't listen to that warning sign either, and now here I am. Living with lesbian room mates in Portsmouth, VA. and very recently broken up with a major reason for me being down here. She claims that she doesn't love me and doesn't think she ever will. I suppose you have to respect her honesty. After stating this she claims that it seems I don't want to put any effort into keeping her. Um, hello?

Anyone who has been decisively removed from the life of someone they care deeply for knows exactly the feelings I am visiting. Tight chest, stomache twinges, severe sense of worthlessness. At least now, a few days after the fact, I can sleep and breathe again. I want to take her back. I know I shouldn't.

So daily I go to my new position with a company given any other circumstances would definitely be my ideal choice, and I long for nothing more than what I left behind. Figures. I contact people from my past a lot lately. Sister Holly, Lauren, Jimie, Craig, Mother, Old Hatfield, and of course my family, you have all been awesome in making me feel not so alone. I need this more than you can know. If I could pack up tomorrow and head back to you all, I would do so. It would hurt to leave behind someone who has captured a large piece of my heart, but it is more than likely a piece that won't be any good ever again, not with her at any rate.

I know there is no going back to Valassis, no going back to the fun times had with such great people, no retrieving the warm feelings of getting to know a new love there. And so I start the cycle again. Hopefully, when I arrive this time it will be with my old walk, one I though it would be safe to leave just for a little while... Take it from me. I am in friggin Virginia with an ex-girlfriend and a house full of lesbos as my only company. Don't fail to listen to that voice, followers. It is there for a reason. Think of all the crap I could have avoided...

In summation, I apologize again for being a terrible example. I apologize for being blinded, and wanting something that was very apparently wrong. I hope that I can rebound as quickly as I was able to spiral. Please forgive me, friends, and I hop eto be back with you all as soon as God wills it. (Please Lord, let that be soon!)

Dave the kinda Pentecostal.

Things Continue

I went back to my church for the first time in a long time and found out all over again why I left. It just wasn't right. While I loved seeing the old gang again, it felt less like a reunion and more of a, how do I put this? I suppose this is what it feels like to return home after going through rehab. That is a pretty good way of describing it, actually. Those who approached me seemed genuine enough, however it wasn't without a hint of sympathy. Some people I considered myself pretty close to didn't say more than an aggravated 'hello' while others yet walked right on by without so much as a look. How is that for welcome?

I know it isn't about others, it is about my personal relationship with God. However atmosphere plays a vital role in worship. I don't remember where it says this, but somewhere in our thick book it states to not allow things to go unresolved between brothers and sisters, that things should be worked out. While I know my desire to stay close to God is still there, the motivation to make good (it that what it is?) with those at that church feels unnecessary. I feel that I am not really meant to fit in with that church, rather a few members from that church that I might still associate with outside. I guess it isn't my place anymore afterall.

I did go to Kensington church in Royal Oak recently. Despite its size, it had a good feel to it. To top it off, I actually managed to talk Rachel in going. Small steps lead to larger. Who knows if she and I are meant for anything other than an ambassador's role to the fellowship of Christ, but if that is what it becomes I am more than honored. Use me, please.

So I continue to go. Falling sometimes, getting up also. I just wish I wasn't so blind to his plan at the moment. My ears and heart remain open.

Does anyone have anything uplifting to share? I could use a praise report!

Peace and comfort be with you. Love as always.

If I survive armageddon, I might just survive the masters program.

Honestly, I didn't know what I was getting myself in to. Tonight I wrote 2 papers and prepared a presentation for 2 people for tomorrow's class. For ONE stinking class. I feel as though my eyes may start to bleed at any moment. Ah well, I wanted to blog a bit since I haven't done so in a few weeks.

Things are still a little rocky in my walk, probably just because I have yet to return to church. I am determined to make it this week! I really miss spending time with Christians, and know that the lack of encouragement from my brothers and sisters has hurt me worse than I know. So I look forward to seeing y'all again, and hope you can forgive me for being not the best brother, myself.

One of the youth I used to lead is now in a juvinile home. Typical story of a broken home, abusive father type.... Somewhat of a deadbeat mother... He needed someone to rely on and I bailed on him. I am going to get his address and write to him. I know I am an imperfect example for him, but I do care about him so that should count for something. Perhaps it isn't too late to help him. I pray it isn't.

Well folks, I am just beat! That is my only explanation for the somewhat scatterbrained post tonight. I miss you all and hope to see you soon. Time for bed.

The Waves Subside, Yet Rocks Remain

And just as simply I feel relieved. I don't know what exactly had been keeping me from opening up to the people whom I know would listen and offer not only an ear, but also a genuine concern. Today I spoke with two such individuals. Thank you both! I have been reminded that if true forgiveness is sought, it is but an asking away. And though I know I am forgiven, I am still scared.

The past few months have landed me in some ca-ca. Such ca-ca must still be dealt with, and now resolve is necessary to ensure recovery. An awkward return to the church and the friends I have taken for granted. Breaking old habits I thought once broken, now returned. And most difficult, handling a certain someone who it just won't work with, unless she *reeeaaaaaally* starts opening her heart up to His truth, which I think is about as likely as is my becoming a woman.

She is not a bad person, and in fairness she is often a good time to be with. She just has issues with drinking, sexuality, and an overblown, self-imposed allergy to anything having to do with Christ. This, I have known all along, just won't work for me. I need another believer.

Amazing how what you know is right sometimes takes a back seat to what your mind wants to create. I cannot change her, just as she will not change me. Moving on...

The Long Crawl Back to OK? Better? Hmmm...

Strange how my last post was about stepping down from youth group and now things seem to be spiraling. No, that isn't quite right, things have been spiraling and I think I may have caught them and leveled off somewhere right above trouble. I went off walking, knowing I was hearing. But somewhere along the road I stopped wanting to hear. Perhaps He has been shouting this entire time, but present circumstances have dampered it to a decibel level below my audible range?

Ok, enough cryptic messages. Much has happened. My father was let go from one of the 'Top 100 Companies' to work for right before Christmas. Instant family drama and a happy new year. This company happens to be the same one for which I work, and layoffs are about the worst of their most recent attempts to recover from their own mistakes. Funny. The decision makers responsible for a great loss of profit are laying off those who followed thier instruction that led to it. Not funny. Disgusting.

Alongside the cuts come tuition reimbursement being cut from full to 75%. Still very generous, but for those of us on very tight budgets and timed Masters programs, it becomes undoable. Perhaps I can flip burgers! Listen to me I am so ungrateful, but hey we all rant from time to time.

These items are the icing.

The real problem is much more difficult to describe, but on a high level it involves me (stupid me) losing sight of my walk and ending up off the path and into the woods. Very recently I had they youth group, which by the way I would be out of now anyways, as the new pastors seem to have cleaned house (looks like I was right to step down) and none but one of the old leaders remain, but I actively searched for where he was to take me next. And somewhere along the line I stopped looking.

My Lord, please forgive me for becoming blinded. My arrogance seems to have gotten me into more trouble from which I require deliverance. Please forgive a lacking servant once more and bring me back into your plan for me. I have strayed from your church, your fellowship, your listening ear, and worse, your rules. *sigh* I would give up on me by now...

Tonight I told my youth pastor I was stepping down from youth. I have felt lately that I may be getting pulled into other areas of my life/service and today's youth program somewhat solidified the notion. I normally take attendance for the youth group, noting new attendees and take down their information. The new youth pastor took the folder from me as I was starting my duties and completed role for me without saying a word about it. Taking a seat amongst the youth, and watching my duties fulfilled by the new leadership, I was hit with a sudden thought.

'This is no longer your place. You are not needed here anymore.'

So it came like that. What I don't know is was it just me thinking that or have my hunches of the past few weeks finally come to fact? I cannot imagine this is merely an attempt at trying to break out of a sometimes uncomfortable service, as it hurts far too much. I haven't told the youth, and most of them left me saying "Later, Davymer, take care!" as they always do. For the first time in I don't know how long, I find myself upset to the point of tears. So it must be real, eh?

So I am torn a bit right now, though I do feel led. I have learned my lesson about staying put when He tells me to move it. This is a problem I have had in the past, where I pray and pray for Him to deliver me into or from a situation, have done none of what He has instructed me to do, and wondered why oh why am I getting nowhere nearer to where I should be? Stepping Out in Faith is part of what it means to be Christian. I have taken great steps in the past, and He has not ever let me fall. I look forward to what this transition period has in store for me. A potential growth in faith? Promotion in life? Fruit stuffed french toast at IHOP?

I love y'all youth, I'll see you around.

Revelations, schmevalations

Ok, it has been a little while since I have experienced anything out-of-the-ordinary, so I think I may be out of the woods on the whole 'God is screaming at me' thing. I haven't had any burning bushes or parted waters to put a period at the end of the message, so I am just going to speculate what He could want from me.

1) Youth group: He wants me to make a decision. With new, more intensified responsibilities being placed on youth leaders, and more time being required of them, I have come to the conclusion that I have to step down for the time being. I recently started the MBA program, and with a heavier class load in the future I would not be able to dedicate more than the 2 days a week I already dedicate. I will still be available to counsel and hang out on special occasions, but they demand commitment, and at this time that is just not possible.

2) Church: 'You are free to move into new realms in your life.' I have felt for a while that this church might not be the perfect fit for me, so I am going to look elsewhere. I don't know that I have been released from my current place, or even if I will be upon looking elsewhere, but I do know I should be looking around. I got that much out of the message. This point remains open, and plays a part in deciding to step down from youth.

3) Vehicular agitation: I need to drive more safely. God will protect His own, but not if they continue to act stupidly. I need to be less hasty. I relayed the message he wanted me to to the youth group, and it certainly helped to strenghthen the message that evening, but I really don't think there will be any repeat performances.

This is all just my speculation based on what I have been through during the past two weeks. I still await anything more He may want to show me and remain openminded and open-hearted. Please don't stop talking to me.